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You know, I really like having friends. I haven't had many in my life, at least any that I
could call close friends; until I came to college, I hadn't had a "best friend" since the
second grade. Well, I suppose you could call this one girl I knew my senior year of HS a best
friend, but I wouldn't let myself get close to her because we were about to graduate, and I
knew we wouldn't keep in touch (which, by the way, is what happened).
What brought this on is that I'm a little worried about my friendship with my best friend. She's
absolutely wonderful (but since I've always been warned that there are psychos on the internet,
no names), and I'm so glad she likes me, but lately...well, it seems we're kind of drifting
apart. Nothing big, we still talk like always, but it just seems to me she's sometimes angry at
me, not waiting for me to finish stuff etc. I know I'm slow at getting ready, or leaving a
class, so I guess I'd get a little impatient if a friend always made me wait up. But it still
hurts, if you understand what I mean. I don't know how to be a really good friend; haven't had
too much practice in my life. I can't open up and pour out my feelings on someone because I
don't want to make them feel bad, but I do listen whenever I can. Most times I can't give advice
because I haven't been there, but I listen and try to do what I can. But if you want me to talk
about something that making me tear my hair out in frustration or just plain anguish, I could
no more say anything to a good friend than I could kick them.
Then there's my inferiority complex. Let me tell you what, I've got a complex - I don't think
people want to hear my problems or ideas. Have you ever noticed in a large-group conversation
that there are the ones who will speak their mind at-the-very-moment-the-thought-comes, no
matter if they interrupt someone in the process; then there are the quiet ones, who can never
get a word in edgewise because they're too courteous to interrupt the aforementioned person, and
by the time they can get a word in the topic has turned. I'm one of the latter people; I just
can't interrupt someone. Call it courtesy, call it cowardice, but I can't exert myself like
that. I want people to like me, and I think that if I interrupt them for whatever reason they
won't like me anymore. I'm telling you, I've got a complex!
Okay, enough about my thoughts these past few days. I haven't been writing in my journal like
I've been wanting to; I always think about doing it, have a great topic for the day, but can
never get to the computer. No, let's be honest - I just don't take the time when I'm on the
computer to update the journal entry, at least not every day. I'm busy checking email, or
writing messages, or surfing other web pages to do my own. I have to admit, I've gotten addicted
to keeping a journal; I'm going to have to revamp this page because I just joined a couple of
journal webrings (thinking of starting one too) and need to put those things up on my main page
(and there's no room now).
Well, remember that crush I told you about? Still going strong. Do you remember when you were in
middle school (or Elementary school, or heaven forbid, High School!) when you would send
anonymous letters to the guys you had crushes on, just slip them into their locker or in their
books? Well, I've graduated to one step higher: email. Yes, I get an anonymous email name and
send the usual "You're cute" email to him. And guess what? He responds!! Surprise, surprise to
lil' ol' me. I've answered every one of his answers (all three of them; it's been a busy few
days) and am waiting for yet another. It's funny the inane things we talk about.
Oh man, am I going to be embarassed..no, mortified..if he finds this journal... I'm certainly
not anonymous here, I mean with a big picture of me on the front page! *shiver*
Well, that's it for today. It's kinda long, if you haven't noticed, so I'll cut it short.
However, just for the sake of college promo (this was my idea, nobody's pulling my arm to do it)
I've got a net-eye image of my school. It's kind of a bad view, the back side of Marriott (our
cafeteria) and the front of the dorm we're going to be demolishing (Chapman Hall), but it's my
school. :) Just in case you want to see the college I go to. If you watch closely and keep
hitting refresh, the scene updates! :-)
